The world has pushed me to my knees
and I have accepted it. I looked up to God on my knees. I survived.
The world has decided that on my knees I am not ok, I should get up an wander about. I should forget my God and be lost in the world. I agreed. The world wants to make me a dumping ground for problems and wickedness. The world wants to use me to kill, steal and detroy. That, I cannot do.
I am tired of trying on my own without God. I am tired of trying to decide. I am tired of being accused. I am tired of being used. What then is the way out? Death? Numbness?
Does my God really want me to survive this? Where do I draw strength from? Am I feeling entitled to things that I don’t have?
God in heaven. I pray to you. I don’t know how all this is going to go away. But I know that this is not right. You promised to help me and protect me. But I don’t see you doing any of these.
God, I now drink to calm my sorrows, to chase my shame and to find peace. I don’t want to function with negative energy anymore. Lord, I am lost. Find me please. I gave my life to you. Help me Lord.
Fight my battles Lord. I lay it all in your hands.
PART 2: A NEW DAY?
And here I am, exactly one month later. I felt I needed to give an update to the original blog post.
“Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.Ps 30:5”
The feelings I described in the first part of this blog were no joke. I had a hard time praying and the devil played some big time tricks on my thinking. I felt used by the devil instead of being a follower of Christ. Above all the inability to pray was the worst. I had lost my peace and joy and I felt I had also lost my connection to God. But
“If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.2 Tim 2:13”
I stopped sleeping, I hardly ate, I was scared of practically everything. I finally ended up in a hospital ward where I have been for close to 3 weeks.
“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess 5:18“
Now I have learnt so much about the love of God. I am in God.
- I am so grateful for my friend I met during this period, who also loves God
- I am grateful for the peace and safety I now feel
- I am grateful for the people I met who make me laugh often
- Above all, I am grateful that I can pray in peace to my God, as much as I want to!
It is amazing!