Last night I had a hard time finding peace and I felt frustrated to be exact. I had kind of reached the conclusion that it is very likely
that I should heed advice and return to my home country.
To me, this seemed like a hard decision, I kept running over the idea of difficulty in my mind. Worrying about details which was like running on a treadmill without the health benefits, expending energy and going no where fast. To make matters worse I had done research on how men of God went through difficult times by prayer and all I could see in my mind were christians suffering. Elijah depressed, etc.
I prayed to God that my energy be boosted up again, that my joy return to me, that my ability to read the Word and concentrate not escape me due to distraction. I worried.
Especially that my worrying will somehow make me miss God. But the good thing is that I prayed and as always, God heard me, because I am the apple of His eye.
I awoke at 5 am, hoping to do my usual 2 hour Bible study, but I was heavy with negativity and the devil tried to drive unacceptable thoughts into my mind. Prov 13:12
Oh! Me! I thought I had mastered this already. I thought my mindset was set in positive mode. But is there such a thing? Even the Bible says be constantly renewed in the attitude of your mind Eph 4:23.
After struggling to study the word for almost an hour I gave up and went to sleep, with a sermon on how to get out of a frustrated state playing on my phone’s Youtube. I don’t know what I learnt from that but some information seeped in. Now it comes to me, that God says we should pray, and then show up and let Him do His own part. I dragged myself out of bed at almost 9 am and decided to open up a conversation with my sister about my current situation. I refused to voice any negative thing about it in the dialogue and also refused to blame myself. Soon enough, I gained dynamo by talking to myself encouragingly and in no time was exchanging jokes and laughing hard about fun things.
Then I got to thinking, what does the Bible say about joy? As usual I checked a blog post, but was still told that christians are supposed to be joyful but blah blah sometimes they face difficulty etc. Not what I needed to hear, I checked scriptures and found that Christ wants my joy to be full, and that I am always supposed to rejoice. Plus if the joy of the Lord is my strength then I definitely can’t afford to be without my strength.
After getting clear on the reason for the heaviness, hope deferred, and meditating on the fact that my hope had only been deferred( pushed to a later stated date) and not rejected I then permitted myself to be okay. I got energy required to do chores, study and even go jogging to the bank and did some shopping. I even downloaded a book and spent some quality time gaining knowledge and perspective on my current point in the journey.
I used the opportunity of jogging to meditate on the Word along the way. Upon approaching an incline I was telling myself: Oh yea! Here it gets harder, better for my workout ( more dopamine, serotinin, great for my heart) whew!
I also got the opportunity to include some Bible study and meditation time in the midday. Amazingly, all the scriptures that impressed on me where about using my mouth to control my life. I was like wooooow!
So here I am, ticking off one more beneficial task on my to do, blogging, with a proud smile on my face. I am happy, because I had a productive day, because I practised the attitude of joy today and above all, because my prayers made in my weak moments last night were all answered, even though while praying I worried.
What a faithful God. I am so encouraged. I will keep praying, keep studying the word and above all, make sure that the Word of God fills my mouth and I take sides with the truth: WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS.
I promise to keep up the joy habit. lol